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Kenyan priorities: a new quiz

As Kenya taxis on the runway preparing for take-off, it is important to get a sense of priority. We must all realise what’s hot, and what’s really not. Otherwise we are going to go round and round this airport and watch all those other planes zooming around in the sky. I have designed a special quiz for Kenyans to test their priorities. Jump right in…

1. Who is best suited to being the President of Kenya?
a. The person who truly understands that a leader’s one and only purpose is to improve the life of followers.
b. The craftiest and most manipulative member of my tribe.
c. Me, myself and I – no one else will do.

2. What is the best way to address the crisis in our schools?
a. Through careful thought and resolute action.
b. By forming a commission of inquiry with 30 eminent persons to report back within 7 years.
c. By forcing students to wear white tunics, prohibiting groups of more than two, putting bars on their windows and caning them all every morning at 6.00 am.

3. We have one of the world’s highest road mortality rates. How can we bring this down?
a. By re-educating the nation on the importance of the highway code and safe driving.
b. By implementing a determined crackdown on dangerous driving and imposing punitive penalties.
c. By ignoring those who overtake at 150 kph on narrow roads while talking on the phone, and arresting those with slightly low pressure in one tyre.

4. If you were Mayor of Nairobi, what would your most pressing priority be?
a. To roll out a comprehensive and thoughtful plan to reduce traffic congestion.
b. To arrest the unchecked pollution and environmental degradation that makes Nairobians perpetually sickly.
c. To arrest residents who attempt to trim their own trees and hedges, within their own compounds.

5. How can we take the business sector in this country to world-class standards?
a. By engaging in massive infrastructural development to reduce the cost of doing business and providing top-notch transport, power and communications.
b. By creating a series of enterprise funds to ignite the entrepreneurship of the wider population.
c. By stopping all businesses from displaying signage or making tea in their kitchens.

6. Who is the country’s greatest enemy?
a. The leader who plunders the national purse and promotes ethnic hatred.
b. The Kenyan who takes no pride in his work and delivers utter mediocrity day in, day out.
c. Anyone who tries to smoke or have his shoes shined on the street.

7. Which country is our most important trading partner?
a. Any nation that is founded on sound values and engages in ethical and equitable trading practice.
b. Our neighbouring countries, so that we can develop critical mass and form an important economic bloc.
c. Libya.

8. What is the quickest short-cut to success?
a. There is none.
b. A degree that says ‘MSc in ICT Studies’, procured from River Road.
c. Relatives in high places.

9. Who is responsible for educating your children?
a. I am.
b. Teachers. (I think)
c. The maid, the television set and assorted criminal elements in our estate.

10. To whom do you owe allegiance?
a. All upstanding members of the human race.
b. My nation.
c. The few dozen people who emerged from the village where my great-grandfather was born, and who speak like me.

Scoring: Give yourself 1 point for every ‘a’ answer, 3 points for every ‘b’ and 5 points for every ‘c’.


10 – 15 points: What are you still doing in this country? Dude, you should have packed your bags long ago.
16 – 40 points: You are pragmatic and understand compromise, but still maintain a dangerous idealistic streak. You will not rise very far.
41 – 50 points: Ah, a born Kenyan leader, one of nature’s finest creations. Bigoted, deluded, authoritarian and selfish. Get your 2012 election campaign into gear immediately – your chances of taking high office look excellent.

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