Ask Sunny all your peculiar questions…
As we all know, we live in a peculiar country. A very peculiar country. There are so many confusing questions that bedevil us every day, and precious few answers. So I have decided to occasionally become an “agony uncle” in this column, to tackle some of your more thorny conundrums. Here’s the first instalment.
Q: I am severely frustrated by the actions of a man in a blue Mercedes every morning. While I sit patiently in the traffic queue that begins outside my house, this gentleman comes roaring in every day at 7.15 am and overlaps everyone. At the end of the road, he is invariably allowed to cut in by some timid and timorous driver. What should I do? Have a word with him? Report him to the police? It is really driving me bananas, and I don’t even like bananas.
KK, Banana Hill
There is really no point in trying to “have a word” with such a creature, unless the word is unprintable. You might as well try to converse with a warthog. Your overlapping friend does not have any brain cells, nor any concern for anyone else. This is confirmed by his daily actions. It is also no use reporting him to the police – you are likely to find that he is in fact a senior official. Of course, if everyone in your traffic queue refused to let overlappers cut in under any circumstances, even your unintelligent friend would have to stop doing his impolite thing. But as you noted, Kenyans are way too docile to put an end to this kind of thing themselves – they would rather wait for PLO Lumumba or Michael Ranneberger to do it for them. So your options are very limited. You could procure a rocket-propelled grenade launcher and solve the problem in one go. If that seems too extreme to you, you could just stay in your house on weekdays and only work at weekends, when Mr Merc is hopefully on the golf course and overlapping other golfers.
Q: I was shocked to see that the Nairobi City Council have suddenly increased parking fees in the Central Business District to Sh. 300. Is this fair? How can they do this? I can no longer afford to go into the CBD.
Busaa Masaa, Dandora
Which part of the price increase did you not understand? Did you never read what the Town Clerk said? You are MEANT not to be able to afford to go into the CBD, because you pollute it every day and make life unbearable for those who can appreciate the finer things in life: superior whiskies, silent cities, svelte concubines. So please, just stay away and eat your sausage and chips in the outer areas. The people in the CBD drive the economy forward, and to do this they must have ample parking and no visual pollution so that they can concentrate. Please leave the wadosi alone to imagine they live in Zurich.
Q: A cabinet minister from my tribe has recently been asked to step aside after accusations of stealing billions meant for blind orphans. He has come wailing back to the village claiming our people are being finished by his enemies. What should we do?
Maskini Joe, Pauper’s Rock
Do nothing at all. Don’t you know what “step aside” means in Kenya? It is like taking a short break in the middle of your meal to burp, look around and study your enemies. Think of it as a brief sabbatical for your leader. After that he will return to his post, or a better one, and you and everyone in your tribe will become millionaires and rule Kenya for a hundred years, like your leader has promised you. I’m sure you believe him…
Sunny Bindra’s new book, ‘The Peculiar Kenyan’ is now on sale