Another dose of Agony Uncle Sunny

As we all know, we live in a peculiar country. A very peculiar country. There are so many confusing questions that bedevil us every day, and precious few answers. So I have decided to occasionally become an “agony uncle” in this column, to tackle some of your more thorny conundrums. Here’s the latest instalment.

Q: I am always struck by how nice, polite, well-mannered and professional our leaders are on TV. Are we blessed?
Gull Ibo, Narok

Dear Gull
Indeed we are truly blessed. Our leaders are angels on earth. They fight against wretched circumstances on all our behalves every day. They are patriots and nationalists to a man, who spread goodwill and fraternal love to all tribes and communities. Nothing bad has ever happened in Kenya, and no public money has ever been stolen. These are all just stories manufactured by the media, and computer errors. Oops, excuse me, must go, a pig just fell out of the sky right outside my window…

Q: I prepared all my business budgets at the beginning of the year at KShs 80 to the dollar. The year is ending at around KShs 100, and both inflation and interest rates are sky-high. What happened? How will I plan anything for next year? I am suspending all my projects.
Selfmade K Shah, Nairobi

Dear Selfmade
You see, it’s people like you who bring the economy down. First you don’t plan professionally, and then you want to blame your hardworking government for your woes. You keep borrowing unnecessarily, and you import luxury items like oil and machinery unpatriotically. Then, when there is a little problem in the economy, you panic and withdraw into your hole and cause unemployment. The shilling’s collapse is caused solely and specifically by those spendthrifts in Greece. Also by foreign speculators and colonial spies. And weather patterns caused by Somali terrorists. So stop blaming others. In any case the IMF is back and has taken over our economic policy, so it’s back to the good old days. You can relax now and “jienjoy.”

Q: Kenyans made a lot of mournful noises about the Sinai slum explosion recently. But I notice that slum is still right there and still situated on the pipeline. What gives?
Eagleye Wasike, Embakasi

Dear Eagleye
Now why are you trying to remind us about something that happened so long ago? In Kenya we don’t have time for ancient history. We are a forward-looking nation, and we hate getting mired in the minor mistakes of the past. I mean, we have managed to forget decades of land-grabbing; Goldenberg and Ango Leasing; collapsing buildings; gridlocked traffic; assorted massacres; post-election violence and IDPs. What is a slum or two and a few burnt bodies on that vast landscape of forgotten things? Try to be positive, and look ahead.

Q: Bindra, your agony column is a sham. You should stop wasting our time and resign.
Shakespeare Oduor, Kisumu

Dear Shakespeare
Resign? Why? Was any money stolen? Will my resignation place ugali in your pot? Kenyans need to move beyond childish accusations. It is obvious you have been sent to bring down my community. Kalasingas have been intimidated for too long. This is obviously a political witch-hunt and it will not be tolerated. If I resign so must every other puffed-up columnist. We cannot have selective justice. In any case nothing can be proved, as literary taste is subjective. If I go down so must all my editors. Tomorrow I will organize my people to protest in a mass motor rally against these false allegations. I will also seek legal redress, though with a name like yours I really doubt whether you actually exist.

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