Agony Uncle Sunny Answers Your Questions Again

Feb 08, 2015 Sunday Nation

As we all know, we live in a peculiar country. A very peculiar country. There are so many confusing questions that bedevil us every day, and precious few answers. So I have decided to occasionally become an “agony uncle” in this column, to tackle some of your more thorny conundrums. Here’s the latest instalment.

Q: I was really shocked to see schoolchildren being teargassed in Nairobi the other day. What is happening to our country?
Private Developer, Lang’ata

Dear Private
I, too, was shocked. It was simply unbelievable. That this can happen to children as young as that! Inconceivable. Our university and college students are of course used to consuming tear gas for lunch once a week, but young kids? Where will this end? If such innocents become ready to fight for their rights so bravely, what next? They might embolden their parents to also find their lost spines and make a stand against wrongdoing. That would undo the whole glue of this nation: the pure impunity of the ruling class and the docile subservience of the voting class. Very worrying.

Q: I was so pleased to see some of our MPs storm a weighbridge station recently to fight against corruption. They set a great example.
D. C. Eivd, Nairobi

Dear D. C.
Indeed they did. And if you notice, there are many other people who set a great example, if only we had the sense and enlightenment to notice them. There are the bank robbers who test our financial institutions’ security systems on our behalf regularly. There are the leaders who rush through traffic daily using sirens and chase cars to attend urgent meetings to discuss the traffic problem. There are the fathers who abandon their young children so that they can grow up facing enormous hardship and develop the character needed to become tough and successful entrepreneurs. There are the churches who grab the land of schools so as to bring divine teachings into the curriculum. Great Kenyans, fighting for Kenyans.

Q: What happened to etiquette and propriety in this country? Our so-called leaders are going around swearing and cursing all over the place.
Puritan Konchellah, Rongai

Dear Puritan
Stop wasting my time and column inches with your ****** and ****** questions, you ********.

Q: Please advise how I can overcome Nairobi’s crazy traffic.
Jamlick Njuguna, Runda

Dear Jamlick
Based on my observation of the willingness of our leaders to tackle this problem, I suggest any of the following:
1. Don’t leave home later than 4 am, and don’t return earlier than midnight
2. Learn to use Skype
3. Work from your car
4. Learn to meditate
5. Move to Wajir
6. Move to Singapore.

Q: Bindra, I understand you are a business advisor. I need advice: why does my printer always run out of toner just when I have a deadline?
H. P. Epson, Limuru

Dear H.P.
Aha, on this subject I have great experience. Your mistake is this: to show your printer you are afraid. Once that evil machine detects anxiety, you are finished. It will hide its ink, chew up your paper and wrap it around its own innards, or decide to clean its printing heads for two hours – anything to derail your project. The key is to always walk nonchalantly to the printer, whistling. Never betray concern. There are evil spirits in these machines that prey on weakness. If your problem is too acute, there is a witchdoctor I can recommend who purges the printer using the blood of a silver-backed jackal instead of ink. It worked for me. Please call the Sunday Nation editor for the telephone number.