A special Sunday quiz: how “Kenyan” are you?
1. When you vote for an MP, do you vote for:
a. The candidate with the experience, skills and nature to bring development to your constituency
b. The candidate with the loudest voice and the biggest car
c. The candidate who gives you the biggest bribe?
2. When you vote for a political party, do you vote for:
a. The party with the best thought-out manifesto and the most credible policies to attack poverty in the country
b. The party with the most money, posters, T-shirts, advertisements and helicopters
c. The party that most of your fellow tribes-people vote for?
3. A political rally is being organised in your hometown this weekend. Do you:
a. Ignore it and do something productive for your family or community instead
b. Check the list of speakers and decide to attend if someone of substance is speaking
c. Attend for sure, sit in the hot sun and/or cold rain for at least five hours, and clap and cheer with glee when you hear a speaker hurl abuse at other politicians?
4. When you can afford a car, what do you buy?
a. The most economical new car you can afford, with the right features for your needs?
b. The cheapest car you can find, period
c. The cheapest third-hand Mercedes/BMW/4WD that you can get your hands on, even if it’s 20 years old and will cost you a fortune in petrol bills and maintenance.
5. When you find yourself caught in a traffic jam, do you:
a. Sit quietly in your lane listening to the radio – because maintaining discipline is in everyone’s interest and will get everyone home faster
b. Sit fretting and fuming in your lane, cursing everyone around you and the idiots who cause these jams
c. Drive on to the pavement and the oncoming lane to try and gain a few metres on everyone else – because you must look after yourself?
6. What do you think are the most meaningful expenditures in your life?
a. Your children’s health and education
b. A big house with a swimming pool and a Range Rover
c. Beer and nyama choma every night.
7. The Meteorological Department has predicted torrential rains in coming months. Do you:
a. Repair the hole in your roof immediately and have all the structures in your compound checked
b. Ask around to see what your neighbours are doing about it
c. Have another beer – those weathermen are all fools anyway?
8. Which group of Kenyans do you most admire?
a. The rural women who bear the burden of work in this country and who struggle against the odds to make ends meet
b. The learned Kenyans who have a long list of degrees from high-quality institutions
c. The smart urban operators who make the right connections and who become millionaires overnight, as seen on TV’s most gripping reality show, the Goldenberg Enquiry.
9. You run a small business. Do you set your prices:
a. At a level that meets your costs, provides you with an adequate profit margin, and offers good value to your customers
b. High enough to give you a good starting point from which to commence lengthy and noisy negotiations with all your customers
c. Higher than the prices charged by exclusive shops in London, with a readiness to go out of business (repeatedly) rather than bring prices down?
10. You go to a government office to obtain a simple license, and find a long queue. Do you:
a. Find out whether this is indeed the right queue for you, ask a supervisor politely why this state of affairs exists, and write to the head of department and The Nation’s “Watchman” column about it?
b. Go away and come back another day
c. Join the queue and stand there for three hours in a stupor, and then come back the next day to do the same when you’re told the forms aren’t ready?
11. Who do you think should be responsible for your well-being?
a. You yourself
b. The government
c. Your employer, and rich people of all types.
12. Who do you think is responsible for all the problems in your life?
a. You yourself
b. The government
c. The colonialists, the IMF and World Bank, and multinational corporations.
13. You are watching Euro 2004, and a power blackout occurs. Do you:
a. Switch on the kerosene lamp and start doing something else
b. Call KPLC’s emergency hotline around 30 times until you finally go to sleep in the dark, exhausted
c. Gather a mob, go out into the streets and stone every single vehicle and pedestrian you see because they are, after all, responsible.
14. You are offered with an opportunity to make a tidy sum of money, illegally. Do you:
a. Turn it down and consider reporting the offer to the authorities
b. Spend many sleepless nights wondering whether you should take the opportunity or not, and whether you’ll get caught or not
c. Say Hallelujah and grab it immediately! After all, you’ve spent your whole life waiting for exactly this kind of chance, and if you don’t take it, some other smart fellow will!
15. You are offered an opportunity to work overseas. Do you:
a. Consider the opportunity against the fact that Kenya is your home and where your family, friends and all things familiar are
b. Look carefully at the benefits and take the opportunity if it offers more money and career advancement, with a view to coming back home eventually
c. Get the hell out on the next flight! Kenya is a total rat-hole and is doomed! Only fools stay here.
Scoring: Give yourself 1 point for every ‘a’ answer, 3 points for every ‘b’ and 5 points for every ‘c’.
15 points: Who do you think you’re kidding? This is a private quiz, and you don’t have to share your answers with anyone. Do the quiz again, and this time mark your true answers!
16 – 35 points: You are part of a dying breed of Kenyans who still believe in values and principles. You are likely to be lonely and will die young, of unhappiness.
36 – 60 points: You represent the vast majority of Kenyans, and can feel that you truly belong here!
60+ points: Congratulations! You win, everybody else loses. You are a true modern Kenyan. When you next ask why this country’s in such a mess, refer back to this quiz, and then go to the nearest mirror.